mermaid188's Journals on Buzznet

and i'm talking to myself at night because i can't forget.

mermaid188 — 2009-07-11T18:25:00Z

i can't sleep in complete darkness and i'm constantly thinking, and worrying about stupid shit that maybe doesn't and wouldn't matter to most people. i like being alone way too much but at the sme time i crave companionship. i'll hold hands with anyone who will hold hands with me, and i love attention like any other girl. there isn't any such thing as originality; everything has already been said, thought, and done. photography books, regular books, children's books, all hold my interest. sometimes i think highly of myself and sometimes i can't bear to. i'm bitchy to cover up how shy i am. i have a lot to say but i don't like the sound of my own voice enough to voice everything out, i try to keep it to the things that are only necessary. its not like i've been hurt 1000 times, but being hurt once or twice should be a teacher, if you're intelligent enough, and i am. just because i smoke doesn't mean i'm stupid or think i'm invincible, but i don't care about having some long life; everything will give you cancer these days. i listen to songs for lyrics a lot. sometimes i feel like the world's biggest fuckup, which is yet to be confirmed or denied.

i'm trying hard these days, to keep up with everything but to enjoy things. it's hard to relax when you're rushed. it's hard to be happy when you can't stop thinking and you can't get away. though i don't believe originality is real, i still am bothered by blantant imitation; you can be inspired in a less obvious way, but whatever it doesn't really matter. anytime before the 90s, is a fashion inspiration to me. i love 80s color and vibe, 70s relaxed, 60s clean and orderly, 50s perfection, and 40s elegant class, where the true meaning of class began. vintage is so amazing, seriously, i scope out vintages anywhere i go to see what different regions have to offer.

the reasons all have run away, but the feelings never did.

xo.

i watched you change, into a fly.

mermaid188 — 2009-06-05T12:23:00Z

everyone and everything changes, with our circumstances
if you cannot accept that, you're in denial and furthermore rather immature.
it is what you make it, or, what you make of it.
life happens.
and,
life is beautiful.

if you can accept change, it is all worth it. i'm content and satisfied, because the person i'm doing things for, is myself. i am all i have. i may have wasted time, i may have gotten my heart broken, but that doesn't mean i'm not blessed, because i am very very blessed. instead of focusing on what hasn't been great, i think about the good times. thanks for the memories. i know it's over now, but thank you.

school's done, now i can focus on saving my dough for the minicoop! haha. hopefully i can clock enough hours, i want that car when i get my license. chiropractor soon, my back is fucked. then work, then septum piercing possibly, and fireworks. i'm leaving for where it's always sunny on sunday.

love the life you live, live the life you love.

everything is gonna be, alright. everything is gonna be, alright.

mermaid188 — 2009-04-21T13:57:00Z

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. one day it will hurt less; i know right now, it's not okay and you're still in pain, but as time progresses your heart can heal. it is time to move on. every little step is going to add up to a mile one day. one day, it will be worth it.

i saw this dress and fell in love, haha.

i'm beginning to think more about what i want to do after high school. with 2 years left, i know i want to make something of myself. medical school is very likely, probaby pathology... i'm just not a fan of people, so i guess the logic there is that if they're dead, i can just make assumptions and never have to know them, or get hurt by them or have to put up with them. guess i'm just a loner.

the sun is shining and it's beautiful out. sometimes it's hard to stay positive but i can do it, i just have to try.

no one wants to be who they are, but it;s all you'll ever know.

i think i'm ready to smile and try again.

i have fought the good fight. i have finished my course. i have kept the faith.

i miss there being an "us", because now there's only a "me".

mermaid188 — 2009-04-14T13:07:00Z

i don't know everything about myself. but i know enough..

weather changes and diet coke give me bad headaches, like what i have right now.

i love writing but i don't want to do it for a living.

i'm loving photography as of late.

half baked is absolutely hilarious. i love movies about pot.

i want a mini coop.

you know nothing about me at all and this will not change.

school feels as though it's filled with overwhelming busy work, nothing that will have anything to do with my future... what to do what to do, procrastinate.

things may be strange, but everything changes, you can't escape it. stick to your guns and who you really are; in the end, that is all you will have.

i almost want to write down every thing you said that i can still remember. but it would give you too much satisfaction to know i still think about you. unfortunately, i do, and i don't know when it will finally stop. all i can say is that you are not the person i loved; this is why i won't fight for you. i found this on postsecret and thought of you, and our pictures i can't bear to look at.

keep it real.

it makes tomorrow alright.

mermaid188 — 2009-03-01T10:35:00Z

requiem for a dream makes me wonder. if i had been always living on a parallel universe, how would i ever get back to what anyone would call normal? how would i know when i reached normal? maybe being complicated and intoxicated is wrong by opinion, not in reality or in fact.. i don't know. the human psyche is so interesting. social concepts make up think what is wrong and right, but where does morale really come in? its just so strange.

you can never really know someone until you live their life. you can't understand anything until you've experienced it. you can't understand what you don't know, yet people try. its kind of all just a big joke.

i guess all you can ever really do is stay positive. if you can smile, you can live with it. sometimes you have to sever ties that you know will benefit you in the long run, but they hurt when you first cut them. always move forward. if you focus too much on what's behind you, something will hit you from the front.

love yourself for what you are. not for what you could be.

xo.

eight days a week, i love you.

mermaid188 — 2009-02-27T10:06:00Z

i'm just sitting here, listening to the beatles. they're telling me they love their signifigant other, its beautiful. for some reason whenever i listen to them, i feel at peace with the world around me, and as though i can love the simple things, such as sunshine. i'm still not sure if i believe in love, but they make me want to. its terrible that john lennon was assassinated. these four men changed the course of history. its amazing to think a few men are capable of that. i suppose ben franklin's aphorism, "little strokes fell big oaks" is so on target.

life is something that is often hard to deal with, but impossible to understand how it feels to be without. some people may try to write about life after death, everything that happens when you're dead and gone, but nobody really knows, and maybe its better that way. we can only hope that whatever we believe will result in a pleasant post-death. whatever we pray to, so that it leads to our salvation. would we still praise God if he did not respond with mercy? new thought.

the world is so strange, but so small. you never know where life will take you, but you should enjoy it. having a heart of gold is all i really wanted to achieve, for right now anyway. [i don't know where else my life will take me.] its so nice to know you are not hurting people and that you are without ulterior motives. you make sure you are in it for the right and obvious reasons, not for sneaky kniving results.

you can smile and move past anything. you can make tomorrow alright. the sky is the limit<3

no day but today.

mermaid188 — 2009-02-26T17:31:00Z

each cell adds to to become something more and something greater. the human body is so complex and its ability to mend itself against anything is impeccable. perhaps when it dies it simply does not wish to fix the self inflicted mistakes any longer.
perfection is a lie but one must stay true and do their best. you cannot sink to what is low. though one cannot define what makes something negative, they can feel it. the heart senses it and your mind determines where to go from there.

an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. what about a heart for a heart?

always stay strong your own will is better than anything anyone can throw at you.

i hope you hate it. i hope you're constantly in pain and i hope you're kicking yourself because you regret what happened. i am flattered by your malice; whether it be good or bad, you're still talking about me. i have won.

silence speaks decades.